For those of you that know me personally, you know that I can't even go get the mail without coming back with a 10 minute story. The following posts are a collection of the crazy stuff that happens when I’m out in the world and out at shows; from the "I Always Have A Story" section of my monthly e-newsletters.
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Some of you might know that I have a 4 year old dog named Cannon. He is extraordinarily cute, and he is a Rhodesian Ridgeback. For those not familiar with the breed, they were originally bred in Africa for their ability to distract a lion while awaiting their master to make the kill. That’s right – I own a lion hunter. To be honest, I think he’d prefer to be curled up on the couch than outside doing anything other than lying in the sun. But if a lion ever happens to walk in my house, oh man… it’s game on!
Anyway, when first looking into some local “Ridgy” breeders, many of them had questionnaires that you have to fill out to ensure that you will be a good pet owner. I have no problem with this practice, as I know firsthand from working with HSLA that there are far too many bad dog owners out there. But one breeder (that shall remain nameless) took this questionnaire to a new level of ridiculous.
Typical questions on breeder forms would be things like “Do you have any children?”, “Do you own other dogs?”, “Do you have a fenced in yard?”, or “Will you be able to walk your dog several times per day?” etc. All of these questions would be perfectly appropriate. However here are some of the questions they asked, followed by the answer my sarcastic brain would want to give. (PS – these are the ACTUAL questions from the breeder.)
Q: Are any individuals/children in your house diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD)? Yes No
A: Well my 3rd Grade teacher said I had ADD, but he also gave Richie Stevens a C- on his Science Fair display of a volcano which was really awesome except for when the lava, which was actually some type of Jello, poured out before he wanted it to and it got all over the gym floor. The janitor guy got really mad and took a swipe at Richie with a mop but… wait, what was the question?
Q: Have you ever seen a live lion in person, not on TV? Yes No
A: Are you f&#king serious? Every day man... Every day.
Q: Have you actually seen a lion in a zoo? Yes No
A: Yes. And tigers. And bears. Oh my.
Q: How big is a lion? Length:____ Height:_____ Weight:_____
A: Well, I call mine The Snake, and frankly I don’t feel comfortable describing it to you in that amount of detail. Besides, how can I weigh it?
Q: If you and/or your family were at home in your TV room watching television, where would the puppy/dog be?
A: Probably chained to the furnace in the basement with no water. Unless Dancing With The Stars is on. Dogs LOVE that show!
Q: If you went to watch a local parade, would you take the puppy/dog? Yes No Please explain.
A: Yes. Especially if it was a parade that had giant Chinese dragons. He has to learn the difference between real dragons and fake dragons sometime. Need I explain more?